I’m a man… no I mean a REAL man. You know like how men are supposed to be. Rugged, hairy, carry a stick around, enticed by the thrill of the hunt and expect my woman to stay at home to cook, clean and look after the babies.
To get an idea of my ultra manliness imagine extracting the DNA of Vin Diesel, Mr T, Chuck Norris, Van Damme, Steven Segal and all the lead cast of the expendables… multiple the testosterone by a factor of 35 and you’ll get somewhere close to the level of manliness I’m talking about.
Growing up I developed the 3-stage debate technique. It works a bit like this, if you find yourself disagreeing with someone you follow the 3 simple steps:
1. Reason with them politely
2. Aggressively inform them they are wrong
3. Beat them mercilessly with your fists until they are a bloody pulp.
These rules have served me well throughout my life. However recently happened which made me think I need a new plan of action. Someone “unfriended” me on facebook. Which left me in shock for 2 hours… and then I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t even type horrid messages to the person because they had blocked me.
Today, I left the most funniest comment on someone’s status, only to see they had removed it. Depriving the world of my witty banter. I could have reposted it, but I assumed they would delete it again, or worse still, unfriend and block me.
That is far too much power for people to have.
How I long for the good old days where I could just jump to step 3.
Back in the early 70’s the phenomenon of “blaxploitation” (black exploitation) movies were made.
However, in today’s modern day, the media has gotten a hold of a new genre to exploit, one that transcends race or colour. It’s the world of security. Information security to be precise, as it sounds a lot more civilised than throwing the word hacker around.
It seems as if these days everything to do with computers is a security issue, even when it isn’t, hence the term secploitation.
To honour this new found love-affair the media has with security, I’m predicting Hollywood will jump on the secploitation bandwagon sooner or later, so I’ve done some of the hard work for them and come up with some sample titles. If you’re a producer or director and need the scripts, get your people to give my people a call. We can work something out.
For anyone else out there with some super cool photo editing skills like me, feel free to send in your own handiwork.
The story of the man who never changed his password:
Who looks after your assets from beginning to end?
If you’re a security professional, then you must know the first rule of CISSP club
Do you know what they call an MD5 Hash brownie in Amsterdam?
They come every year, with the same checklist, asking the same questions about your systems
When you’re as awesome as me, people often wonder what my weakness is? Many have tried exposing me to microwave radiation, second hand smoke and even mobile phones, but to no avail.
However, today, I’ve been exposed to something which I truly believe pushed me to my absolute limits. Getting hit by a speeding locomotive is nothing in comparison. Falling 13 storeys onto concrete is like being bitten by a mosquito.
But today in my mild-mannered consultant guise, I had to take my children to not one but two birthday parties. I now understand why the sound of a crying baby is an approved method of torture by no less than 13 governments around the world.
Birthday number 1 was pretty cool. Held in an indoor childrens play area. The kids were happy and free to run about. But the noise and chaos made the houses of Parliament civilised in comparison.
A quick trip home, a change of clothes (I long for the days where a phone booth used to suffice) and off to party number two. This one was more low-key in someone house. Again it was a pretty nice party and the food was great. However, the constant background noise of children shouting, screaming, crying, really really begins to grate. So much so my wife began to remove all cutlery and sharp objects out of my reach. I mean how ironic is that? Kids have that affect you see, where mothers will move dangerous objects away from the fathers and within reach of the children…
Well, it was probably for the best. After a stomach full of cake and painkillers, I’ve decided that from now on I’m sticking to saving parrots from burning buildings.